The More I Want You
by Todash
Summary: Post-war story. Hawkeye and B.J. are together and happy, living in San Francisco, when a woman from Hawkeye's past suddenly shows up on their doorstep. Slash. Updated with Chapters 8 and 9 - now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**The More I Want You**

Hawkeye walked into O'Rourke's, his eyes scanning, looking for B.J. It was just after 5 o'clock, and the place was getting crowded. A lot of people stopped into this bar after a long day at work, nursing a drink or two before heading home, or grabbing a quick (if not entirely nutritious) bite to eat before hitting the town. Hawkeye and B.J. didn't make a habit of coming here, but this week, with Erin staying at Peg's, they didn't have any compelling reason to get home right after work. Besides, B.J. seemed to have an addiction to the burgers here.

Hawkeye finally spotted Beej in a back booth, a hamburger and side of fries in front of him, a beer in a mug at his right hand. Hawkeye immediately started preparing a lecture in his head, something along the lines of how a physician ought to know better than to eat his way to a heart attack, but before he even got to the booth to begin his sermonizing, he realized that B.J. was not alone. Well, he was _sitting_ alone, certainly, but the woman in the next booth was leaning over the seat and engaging him in conversation. She was smiling and he was smiling, and Hawkeye's health lecture instantly vanished from his mind as he realized that B.J. was being blatantly flirted with.

His man, on the receiving end of this strange woman's advances. And knowing B.J., he probably wasn't even aware of what was going on. _Oh, she was just being friendly,_ he would say when Hawkeye would point out the obvious. _Don't be so paranoid, Hawk._

Hawkeye sighed and slipped into the booth, sitting opposite B.J. and rather rudely interrupting the conversation by putting himself between B.J. and his predator. "Hi Beej," he said with a sunny smile.

"Hey, Hawk," B.J. said, then leaned over a bit so he could see the woman at the next booth. "I apologize for the interruption," he said to her, "but my friend is here. Nice talking to you, though."

She apparently took the hint and simply said, "Yes, same here," before turning back to her own meal.

B.J. gave Hawkeye a pointed look. "That was a little obnoxious, Hawk. I was talking to that young lady. You had to have noticed."

Hawkeye waved a hand. "Didn't seem like anything important."

B.J. evidently didn't buy the nonchalant act. His eyes narrowed as he looked at Hawkeye across the table. "Don't overreact, Hawk. She was just being friendly."

_Bingo,_ Hawkeye thought, and he waved his hand again. "Yeah, I know the story, you're sitting here all alone and she felt sorry for you. Came to your rescue so you wouldn't be all lonely and sad."

B.J. sighed and took a drink of his beer, then surprisingly dropped the subject, saying instead, "I didn't order for you, Hawk. I wasn't sure when you'd get here."

"OK," Hawkeye said, motioning to the waitress a few tables over. While he waited for her to get around to him, he helped himself to a French fry from B.J.'s plate, and said, "So after we're done here, what do ya say… movie?" _Invasion of the Body Snatchers_ was showing at the theater the next block over. Hawkeye was practically frothing at the mouth to see that one.

Around a bite of his hamburger, B.J. said, "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. Guess I better leave room for popcorn." When he smiled, Hawkeye noticed that there was a touch of ketchup at the corner of his mouth. He very nearly reached over and wiped it away with his thumb, then remembered that they were in a public place and pulled his hand back.

"Napkin, Beej," he said instead, and B.J. took care of it himself.

The woman in the next booth stood up then, stopping at their table before heading out. "It was nice to meet you, Doctor," she addressed B.J., effectively ignoring Hawkeye. "I hope I run into you in here again sometime."

B.J., still chewing, merely raised his hand, with the napkin still in it, in acknowledgment. She glanced ever-so-briefly at Hawkeye but said nothing, and then she strutted away. Actually _strutted_, Hawkeye noted… for B.J.'s benefit, no doubt.

He turned his gaze back to B.J., who was looking down at his fries and picking out the bad ones to set aside. Hawkeye shook his head. Poor, oblivious B.J. Wouldn't know a come-on if the woman bit him on the ass.


	2. Chapter 2

B.J. closed the living room windows and then locked the front door for the night.

It was nearly midnight. The movie had been terrific, and afterward they'd stopped at an all-night diner for coffee and to discuss the film (with Hawkeye speculating that perhaps Frank Burns had been a Pod Person, which would certainly explain a lot), but now they were finally home… and it looked very much like Hawkeye wasn't thinking about sleep.

He was thinking about _bed_, but not about sleep.

B.J. smiled, silently watching as Hawkeye moved to the lamp by the coffee table and turned it off. He didn't take his eyes off B.J.—even with the room now plunged into darkness, the "come hither" look was evident. Hell, lust was practically wafting off the guy.

And this was after seeing a sci-fi movie filled with suspense and evil goings-on. Imagine, B.J. mused, if they'd gone to see a love story.

The house locked up for the night, Hawkeye began to head in the direction of their bedroom, walking backward so that he could keep his eyes on B.J., silently beckoning him to follow. He stopped when he reached the doorway, and B.J. watched as he pulled off his shirt, tossing it behind him into the room.

B.J.'s pulse picked up and his mouth went a little dry. He felt almost frozen in place, transfixed, but then Hawkeye reached down and started to undo his fly, and that got B.J.'s feet moving.

Hawkeye disappeared into the bedroom, B.J. hot on his heels, getting there in time to see Hawk kicking his pants off and sending them halfway across the room. B.J., feeling tremendously overdressed, yanked his shirt over his head and toed his shoes off at the same time. Hawkeye was very nearly naked by now, down to only his boxers, and he stopped long enough to watch B.J.'s striptease, the smile in his eyes showing a mixture of amusement and hunger.

B.J. shut the bedroom door behind them, out of habit more than anything else, since they didn't have to worry about Erin interrupting them on this night. He pulled off his pants and boxers, then took a step toward Hawkeye, reaching out, but Hawkeye beat him to the punch and dropped his own shorts, stepping out of them and into B.J.'s waiting arms.

Finally… naked and pressed together. B.J. rested his head on Hawkeye's shoulder and sighed. They hadn't said a single word since walking in the front door. They hadn't needed to.

They only held each other for a long moment, flesh against flesh. B.J. put his mouth at Hawkeye's neck, feeling the pulse drum against his lips. Eventually Hawkeye gently stepped back, took hold of B.J.'s hand, and directed him to the bed. B.J. lowered himself onto it, scooted over to make room for Hawkeye, and drew him in close… legs tangling together, hands roaming and caressing, mouths connecting.

"I love you," B.J. murmured as he leaned back, sinking into the sheets, letting Hawkeye control their lovemaking.

Hawkeye smiled at him, cupping his cheek as if he were a child. "I love you, Beej."

"Yeah?" B.J. teased gently, his hand reaching down between them. "Why don't you show me how much."

Hawkeye rose to the occasion and did just that.


	3. Chapter 3

B.J. looked up from the newspaper as Hawkeye came into the kitchen. Then he glanced at the clock, his brow furrowing. "What took you so long, Hawk?" he asked, folding the paper and setting it aside. "I thought you were only going to be gone a short while. Quick visit to the bakery for rolls for supper, you said. Wouldn't take much time at all, you said."

"Got 'em," Hawkeye said, showing B.J. the bag of rolls. "And also got something else." He put the rolls on the counter and took a seat at the table, opposite B.J. He pulled a small jewelry box from his pocket and placed it in front of B.J.

"What do we have here?" B.J. asked, eyeing his lover with suspicion. "What are you up to?"

Hawkeye seemed to be searching for the right words, which was such a rarity that it put B.J. on alert. Whatever was coming, it was likely something weighty. Hawkeye slid the box closer to B.J. "Open it," he said.

"It's not my birthday, Hawk. And besides, you know I don't really wear jewelry—"

"Would you just open it, please?" Hawkeye said, impatient. "There's a method to my madness."

B.J. laughed. "Madness, yes. Method? Well, let's just say I'm skeptical." He opened up the box and discovered a gold band inside… a wedding band. He picked it up and studied it, unsure what it was supposed to mean. He didn't dare speak.

"Would you do something for me?" Hawkeye asked softly.

"Anything," B.J. replied, his voice equally soft.

"Would you wear that in public places?" Hawk started to talk fast now, trying to get his thoughts out all at once. "I don't mean at the hospital—everyone at the hospital knows you're not married. But I mean, when we go out to eat, or to O'Rourke's—"

"Oh my God," B.J. said slowly, catching on. "This is about… This is all because of that young lady at O'Rourke's last night, isn't it? The one I was merely _talking_ to? That's what prompted this crazy purchase, isn't it, Hawk?"

Hawkeye stood and paced, all nervous energy, and clearly defensive. "Crazy? You think it's crazy that I want strangers to know you're already spoken for?"

In spite of it all, B.J. was very moved. He leaned back in his chair and watched Hawkeye circling the kitchen like a caged animal. "Hawkeye," he soothed. "That's sweet. It really is. But honestly, there is no threat to our relationship—none at all. It's all in your mind." As Hawkeye paced near him, B.J. reached up and grabbed hold of his arm, stopping him. "Do you ever see me flirting back? With anyone, ever?"

Hawkeye shook his head.

"No," B.J. agreed. "I never would." He stood up and moved into Hawkeye's arms, smiling. "I'm all yours, Hawk. Always will be." He gave him a soft kiss on the mouth.

Hawkeye nodded, pacified, perhaps convinced. It was hard to tell. He looked down at the wedding band in B.J.'s hand, asking, "So you don't plan to wear that?"

B.J. followed his gaze and thought about it. "Sure, I can wear this. If that's what you want. But remember—I wore one of these before... and it's not like it stopped _you_ from flirting with me. And more."

Hawkeye shrugged, smiling coyly. "Well, I'm incorrigible," he admitted.

B.J. laughed. "You sure are." He slipped the band onto the ring finger of his left hand, then kissed Hawkeye again. "Thank you. For buying this. For the thought behind it."

"Even if you do think it's unnecessary."

"It _is_ unnecessary. But I'm touched anyway. It was a very sweet, if slightly demented, thought process."

Hawkeye seemed to take that as the compliment B.J. intended, and he turned away to start preparing supper. Before dropping the subject entirely, B.J. slipped his arms around Hawkeye from behind, kissing his neck. "I love belonging to you," he whispered. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Hawkeye nodded but didn't speak, and B.J. realized he was too emotional to trust his voice. So he just planted another kiss on Hawkeye's neck and then left the room for a few minutes, to let the whole conversation sink in to Hawk's neurotic brain.

When they went to bed that night, B.J. took the ring off and placed it on the nightstand, which is where it stayed for days.


	4. Chapter 4

Hawkeye was sitting at his desk in the study, paying some bills, when the doorbell rang. More than happy to abandon his unpleasant task, he headed out of the room and to the front door, thinking that he'd even be willing to listen to a door-to-door salesman right about now, if it meant he could put off balancing the checkbook.

He swung open the door and his eyes went wide, his breath caught. It was most definitely not a door-to-door salesman. He blinked and then looked at his own house number, as if the whole thing were a dream or he'd been transported back in time or something.

Carlye, nee Breslin, later Walton, was standing in front of him… looking like she hadn't aged a day since the last time he saw her, back in Korea. More than three years ago now.

They hadn't been in touch since she walked out of the 4077th, rejecting him for the second time in his life. She'd been planning to divorce her husband—whatever his name was. But whether she'd actually gone through with it, Hawkeye had no idea.

His heart thumped. He realized his mouth was hanging open, and he snapped it shut. "Carlye?"

She smiled, seemed to relax a little, as if she'd been holding her breath until he spoke. "Hi, Hawkeye. How are you?"

Hawkeye had no idea how to answer. His mind was spinning. What was she doing here in San Francisco? What was she doing here at his house? He sputtered, then managed, "I'm doing well. Would you… why don't you come inside while I try to recover from my state of shock?" She stepped inside, past him, and looked around, nodding her head as if thinking, yeah, this looks like Hawkeye's place.

He gestured to the couch and she sat. "Can I get you a cup of coffee?" he asked, still flustered. But he thought he could manage the fairly simple task of brewing coffee, if he needed to.

She shook her head, "No thanks, I'm fine. Please, Hawkeye—sit down. You're making me nervous, standing there staring down at me."

His feet moved and he plopped into an armchair near the couch. "I'm sorry, it's just such a shock. How did you know where to find me?"

She settled back into the couch cushions. "I called your dad and he told me you were living out here. He gave me both your phone number and your address. That was two weeks ago. It took me this long to figure out if I wanted to call or actually fly out here and see you in person." She spread her hands. "You can see what my decision was."

He squinted at her, as if that would help to clarify things. "Is there something wrong? That you needed to find me and see me in person?"

"Oh… no. No. I'm sorry, I'm sure you're completely thrown by my showing up here unannounced."

"It's a surprise, yes. You could say that." He paused, then added, "Not that I'm not happy to see you. But the last time we said goodbye, it seemed… Well, it seemed pretty final, wouldn't you say?"

"I'm sorry about that, Hawk."

He nodded but said nothing. Water under the bridge.

She looked around the living room, buying time, apparently trying to find the right words to start her narrative. "Hawkeye," she finally said, "I divorced Doug, like I told you I was going to."

Doug. That was his name. It was all coming back to Hawkeye now.

"The marriage wasn't working out—well, you know that story, don't you? You were part of it, for a while."

"I believe I had a starring role," he said with a certain bitterness in his tone.

Carlye had the decency to look contrite, then picked up her story. "Well, eventually I met Stephen, an accountant back in Boston, and things with him were good… we got engaged. But he turned out to be another mistake. I seem to be making an awful lot of those in the last few years. I broke off the engagement last month. Something—I'm not exactly sure what—common sense, maybe? Something made me think of you. Doug was a mistake and then Stephen was a mistake, and I got to thinking… Hawkeye was never a mistake. Our timing was just bad, back in Korea."

"That's not what you said then," Hawkeye interjected.

She nodded. "I said a lot of things then. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Carlye—" Hawkeye began, fairly certain where this conversation was headed.

"Hawkeye, I really _am_ sorry—"

He held up a hand to stop her. "My dad didn't tell you, did he?"

She tilted her head, looking puzzled. "Tell me…?"

"He told you I live in San Francisco, gave you the address, but didn't tell you that I'm… that I'm in a relationship."

Her face reddened a little. "No," she said softly.

"He's not very forthcoming about it," Hawkeye explained. "He doesn't disapprove, necessarily, but he doesn't like having to explain it to people. I'm sure that's why he didn't say anything to you."

She still had her head tilted. "Disapprove? Explain it?" She was understandably confused.

Hawkeye gestured to the photos on the mantle, which Carlye had apparently not noticed yet… photos of him and B.J., sometimes including Erin. "Carlye, it's B.J."

"B.J.," she repeated, contemplating the name, and then evidently recognition struck. Hawkeye watched her expression turn to shock. "The man who shared your tent… that Swamp tent? That's who you mean, right?"

He nodded.

"You're with a _man_?"

He nodded again. "And very much in love."

She shook her head, as if simply doing that could make it not true. "You're not… Hawkeye, I've known you a long time. You're not homosexual."

He didn't like labels, but sometimes they were necessary. If it made people more comfortable to slap a label on him, then so be it. "Actually, if you want to know the truth, I'd be more inclined to identify myself as bisexual. But yes, I am with a man now… with B.J. And he makes me happy."

Carlye was still shaking her head. He didn't relish rattling her like this, but she needed to know. They fell into silence for several long minutes, and Hawkeye waited her out, understanding that she needed time to absorb what he'd told her. Eventually she said, "I feel very foolish."

"Don't. Please."

"I was coming here to see… to find out if I could maybe get a third chance with you. Not that I had any right to ask, but I wanted to take one last shot. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that was my hope. It's why I flew all the way out here." She focused on his face, and he still saw bewilderment in her expression. "I think you were always the right one for me, and it took me entirely too long to understand that."

"Carlye…"

She stood up abruptly, her hands nervously smoothing her hair back because they needed something to do. "I have to go," she announced, moving toward the door.

He followed her, feeling guilty for how the visit had gone, feeling guilty that she felt compelled to leave. "I'm sorry, Carlye… I wish…" He trailed off, not exactly sure what he wished.

She waved him off. "It's all right, Hawkeye. I'll be fine."

But she didn't look fine as she walked out the door. She looked upset and unnerved, not at all like herself. "Do you have someplace to go?" he asked stupidly, as if she'd just stepped off an airplane and landed on his doorstep.

"I have a hotel room," she said absently.

"Well… OK…"

"Goodbye, Hawkeye." And then she was gone, hurrying to a rental car parked at the curb, not looking back.

She was already inside the car by the time he replied, in a near-whisper, "Bye." He watched her pull out into the street, signal a turn at the corner, and vanish from sight.

The whole thing, from doorbell ring to departure, couldn't have lasted much more than five minutes.

Hawkeye closed the door, leaned back against it, and shut his eyes, trying not to recall what it'd been like years before, when he'd lived and breathed Carlye Breslin.


	5. Chapter 5

B.J. joined Hawkeye in bed, taking the paperback out of his hands, observing, "You've been staring at that same page for going on ten minutes. And you've been really quiet all night. Is there something on your mind, Hawk?"

Hawkeye wore an expression that looked almost like guilt. Apprehension came over B.J. like a wave.

"What is it, Hawk?"

Turning onto his side to face B.J., Hawkeye said slowly, "I had a visitor today."

"Somebody I know?"

Hawkeye nodded. "Yes. At least, I think you'd remember her. Carlye? She was Carlye Walton when you knew her… back in Korea?"

B.J.'s heart dropped into his stomach. Oh, he remembered Carlye, all right. At the time, when Hawkeye was immersed in an extramarital affair with her, he was pretty sure she was the love of Hawkeye's life. He'd never seen such adoration on the man's face. And later, after she'd left, he'd never seen him so despondent.

"Yeah," B.J. said, his own voice sounding very far away, "I know who you're talking about. She came here?"

"Yeah. She found out where I live from Dad."

"Doesn't she live on the east coast?"

Hawkeye nodded. "She does. She flew out here specifically to see me."

"I see," B.J. said, struggling to remain calm. There could be any number of reasons why Hawkeye's old flame would come all the way across the country to see him. Sure, any number…

"She's in between relationships right now, and she got to thinking about me, I guess. But not to worry, Beej. I told her I'm in a relationship with you, and very happy. She was—well, she was surprised to hear it…"

"I'll bet."

"But she understood." Hawk put a hand on B.J.'s bare chest, ran his fingers through the hair there. "I told her in no uncertain terms… I promise you."

B.J. believed him, of course, but he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that this wouldn't be the end of it. Carlye had flown 3000 miles to find her old lover, to try to get him back… would she really just give up and head back home, tail between her legs? It didn't seem likely.

But Hawkeye continued to reassure him. "Don't worry. She was kind of mind-blown by the whole conversation, but she got the message, loud and clear. Don't give it another thought, OK? It wasn't any big deal."

Sure seemed like a big deal, though, the way B.J.'s mind was racing, inventing all kinds of crazy things to worry about. But he nodded and said, "OK, Hawk." He reached up, turned off the light and got comfortable in the sheets, while Hawkeye curled around him, kissing him softly on the shoulder.

"Goodnight, Beej. I love you."

B.J. blinked up at the ceiling, preoccupied. "Love you," he muttered, on automatic pilot.

Hawkeye seemed to drift off almost right away, but sleep eluded B.J. for a long time.


	6. Chapter 6

"Dr. Pierce?" the nurse at the desk called to him before he got too far down the hall. She held out the telephone receiver. "Phone call for you."

He backtracked to the nurses' station and took the phone from her. "Thanks." And then: "Dr. Pierce here."

"Hi, Hawkeye."

For the second day in a row, his heart did a little twirl at the sound of the all-too-familiar raspy voice. "Hi, Carlye."

A brief pause on the other end. He heard her draw a breath before she said, "Listen. I feel terrible about yesterday… about how things went. It was awkward and abrupt, and it was all my fault. I'm sorry, Hawkeye. I was hoping I could see you again tonight. Please, let me take you out to dinner—or for a drink. I'll feel terrible if we leave things like this…"

In truth, Hawkeye felt the same way. Yesterday's debacle was weighing uncomfortably on his mind too. But dinner sounded too much like a date, so he made a counteroffer. "Actually, I'll be done at the hospital at 1 o'clock today. Why don't we meet up for lunch? How's that sound?"

Carlye seemed both relieved and grateful, and Hawkeye gave her directions to one of his favorite restaurants in North Beach, saying he'd meet her there. When he hung up the phone, he felt lighter. Good idea, he thought. See her again, part on better terms… it would do them both a world of good.

* * *

Lunch turned out to be a whole hell of a lot more fun than he would have imagined. The awkwardness was gone, and they fell effortlessly back into their comfortable repartee, the product of so many years of shared history. They sat there in the restaurant for hours, laughing and reminiscing, keeping the discussion light and peppered with in-jokes. Hawkeye marveled at how much fun it was, given the bizarre circumstances around their reunion.

"What was that cat's name?" he was asking her now, thinking back to the tiny flat they'd shared in Boston and the stray tabby they'd taken in.

She put her cup of coffee down and frowned in concentration. "Wait a minute… it'll come to me." Another couple of seconds, and then she said, "Hippocrates, wasn't it? _You_ named him. You were kind of obsessed with all things medical."

He laughed. "Hippocrates, yeah. That's it. You know, I'm not much of a cat person, but he was all right, that guy. He had a tendency, though, to jump on the bed just when things were getting… shall we say… passionate. I can't say I appreciated that personality quirk."

She grinned at the memory. "Didn't care for his tuna breath, either," she added. "Aw, Hawkeye, we had ourselves a nice life back then. Sure, we were kind of scraping by, but we had each other. And Boston… well, Boston was pretty wonderful. A romantic town. It still is."

Hawkeye had no reply to that. He thought she was drifting too close to flirtation than what they'd been doing, and he didn't want to encourage anything in that direction.

But if he were being honest, he would have to admit that the memories of their time together were beautiful. His mind showed him vivid pictures of the two of them walking hand-in-hand through the snow, of painting the flat that horrible hunter-green color, of sharing cooking duties in their postage-stamp of a kitchen, always bumping into each other. Looking back on it, it seemed like the perfect life for a couple of twentysomethings in love.

He gave a small shake of his head, as if to drive the thoughts away. He picked up the check and said, "Shall we go?"

Carlye only nodded and stood.


	7. Chapter 7

"Get her prepped for surgery," B.J. instructed his assistant as he simultaneously scribbled in the patient's chart. "We'll take her to OR 3. Give me a couple of minutes, I'll be right there."

The assistant wheeled away Mrs. Jergenson as requested and B.J. high-tailed it to his office. Nothing like an emergency appendectomy to screw up his day. There would be no leaving at 5 o'clock today.

He needed to call Hawkeye to tell him, before Hawk started supper and then began to seethe when B.J. didn't show up on time.

He dashed into his office and picked up the phone, dialed the number. _Ring… ring… ring…_

There was no answer at home, and B.J. hung up, mystified. He knew Hawkeye had left work early in the afternoon; it'd been a slow day for him. Where was he?

All of a sudden he remembered Carlye, and his stomach took a dip. _Shit, would he be spending time with his ex?_

The possibility seemed very real, and B.J. could feel a kind of panic building inside him. But he didn't have time to dwell on it. He needed to go perform an appendectomy; he needed to give Mrs. Jergenson his full, undivided attention.

He left his office and headed to the OR, telling himself he'd have to put his suspicions and jealousy on the back burner for the time being. Even if Hawkeye _was_ seeing Carlye today, it was probably purely innocent… a couple of friends just rehashing old times.

_I trust him,_ B.J.'s mind insisted as he made his way down the hall. _I do… I trust him._

But there was a part of him that wasn't completely convinced.


	8. Chapter 8

In Carlye's hotel room, Hawkeye watched her pouring him some wine and wondered what the hell he was doing here. He'd only planned to drop her off in front of the building, bid her a fond farewell, and get on home.

Somehow, he instead found himself in her room, agreeing to have a drink with her… the two of them, alone, still laughing and smiling over the memories of their shared past.

He went to the window and looked out over San Francisco. Such a beautiful city… his home now. His home with B.J. Sometimes he did miss the east coast, it was true, but he'd started to think of California as representing his new life… his post-war life… the one where he finally put to rest all of his adolescent behavior and decided to be a man.

An honest man. Which meant living with the person he loved, regardless of what the rest of the world might think of that.

Carlye came up behind him and he turned, accepted his glass of wine from her. She smiled at him but said nothing. She was gorgeous, this woman. He'd always had a soft spot for blondes, no doubt about it. And Carlye had such an unusual look about her, he'd always thought… stunning without any apparent effort. She didn't need makeup, and it never mattered how she dressed. She just always took his breath away.

And she did now.

Perhaps sensing what was going through his mind, she took a small step closer to him. She didn't touch him, but he could feel her aura and smell her perfume. His heart began to pound. He gripped his glass a little tighter.

"Hawkeye…" she murmured, her smoky voice sending a tingle down his spine. But she didn't say anything more.

He took a deep breath and stepped away from her, needing distance. He sipped his drink to buy time, then he faced her again, asking, "Am I crazy to be in this hotel room with you?"

She was standing very still. "Crazy?" she echoed.

He looked into his drink, gathering his thoughts. "I'm in a relationship—a really great relationship with a man I love. And here I am, with you… and in such close proximity to a bed." He gestured at the offending piece of furniture. "After all, you've always been temptation personified to me."

"I have?"

"You know you have. From day one, pretty much."

"Hawkeye," she said slowly, taking a step toward him, "if I'm tempting you, then maybe your relationship isn't as wonderful as you seem to think it is."

His throat was dry, his heart was hammering. Shaking his head, he said, "I'm in love."

Moving another step in his direction, she said, "You miss women, don't you? I know you, Hawkeye… you _adore_ women. You must miss them. The softness of a woman's skin… the smell of a woman… having a breast to fondle…"

"I find things to fondle, thank you," he retorted. But she had him off-balance. She was conjuring up images in his mind that were making him feel warm and lightheaded.

"I would think," she said softly, "that you'd welcome the idea of a more normal life."

"Normal?"

"Traditional. More acceptable."

He waved the hand not holding his wine. "I don't care what the hell people think about me and my lifestyle."

"It never gives you pause? You never wonder why you do it… why you need to lie to some people, or hide your true self? Do the people at the hospital know?"

He shook his head. It was a bit of a sore spot. He'd wanted to tell their colleagues that he and B.J. were together, but B.J. had nixed the idea. It was easier, Beej had said, if they just let their coworkers think they were a couple of carefree bachelors who were nothing more than good friends.

Carlye said, "I have to tell you, Hawk, I don't think it's who you really are. It's a phase, maybe—"

He cut her off, angry. "It's not a phase. I found the person I want to spend my life with, and he happens to be a man. B.J. and I have been together for years now, and I haven't strayed, not even once."

"And yet here you are." She swept her arm around the room. "With me. And I don't see you leaving."

"Maybe I should." He put his wine glass down on the desk and had every intention of heading to the door, but she stopped him, putting her hand on his arm.

"Don't," she said, moving smoothly into his arms. "Don't go, Hawk." She kissed him then, and he was so caught off guard that he kissed back, and didn't pull away from her even as she began to blindly unbutton his shirt.

It was the first time he'd kissed a woman in years. She was right, he missed the softness, the way a woman's mouth melted under his, the flowery smell of perfume. For a second or two, he simply savored the sensations as he kissed her, feeling nostalgic and tempted and a little sad.

But then he suddenly stepped back, out of her reach, saying, "Carlye, I can't." His hands went to his shirt, his fingers buttoning it up again. "I'm with B.J., and I'm lucky to have him. I love him. It may not be the easiest relationship in the world, but it's the one I want."

He could almost see her deflate. But she accepted his words, nodding at him as she brushed her hair away from her face in that subconscious gesture of hers.

"I'm sorry," he added.

"So am I." Her voice was shaky, filled with emotion. She seemed like a woman who was very lost, very much alone, and he felt for her.

"I hope you find someone who makes you happy, Carlye," he said, putting his hands on her arms. "You deserve it."

She gave a weak smile in return. "Goodbye, Hawkeye," she practically whispered, now anxious for him to be on his way. He could see the pain in her eyes. Rejection was best dealt with in solitude; he knew that from past experience.

So he obliged. "Bye, Carlye," he said, giving her a peck on the cheek and making a swift exit from the room. The smell of her perfume seemed to follow him down the hall.

Out in his car, Hawkeye sat behind the wheel and took some deep breaths, trying to get his equilibrium back. The whole thing seemed a little surreal.

It'd been a hell of an afternoon.

He shut his eyes for a moment, picturing B.J. in his mind, picturing that beautiful smile of his, and he smiled himself.

He started the car and headed for home.


	9. Chapter 9

It was with some trepidation that B.J. walked into his house that evening. Mrs. Jergenson's surgery had gone well, and he wasn't as late getting home as he'd initially thought. He hadn't tried calling Hawkeye again, after that first time, too worried about the implications of another call going unanswered.

Better to face the situation—whatever that situation might be—in person.

"Hawk?" he called as he shut the door behind him, fervently hoping to hear a response. He paused, waited.

"Beej?" came Hawkeye's voice from the kitchen. "That you? Everything OK? You're a little late."

B.J. let out a relieved sigh. Hawkeye was home, and safe, which sent so many pent-up worries on their way. "Sorry, I had emergency surgery." He stepped into the kitchen, where Hawkeye was at the stove, stirring something.

"I figured it was something like that. I'm just heating up some soup, nothing special."

B.J. placed his hands on Hawk's shoulders. "That'll be fine." He paused, then gathered the courage to broach the subject. "I tried to call, when I first found out that I had to stay late. There wasn't any answer."

Hawkeye's shoulders tensed briefly. He turned the stove down to low and stopped stirring. He faced B.J., nodding. "I was out for most of the afternoon," he admitted. He pulled B.J. into an embrace, then kissed his mouth softly. "Don't be pissed, but I saw Carlye again."

Exactly what B.J. didn't want to hear. But he forced himself not to jump to conclusions, not to react strongly. "You did?" was all he said.

"Yeah. But don't worry, that's the end of it, Beej. We had lunch, and we spent a few hours reminiscing, but now she's going back home and that's that."

"Oh." Why did it seem like there was more to this story? He waited.

And sure enough, Hawkeye wasn't quite done with his explanation yet. "Truth is, Beej, she hadn't entirely given up on the idea of… rekindling something. But I want you to know, I love you and I'm here to stay, and Carlye doesn't pose a threat to you. She's in the past." He leaned in for another kiss, this one deeper and sweeter than the first. "There's only you. You know that, right?"

B.J. wasn't sure what had transpired that afternoon, but as he looked into Hawk's eyes, there was no doubt in his mind that his lover meant what he was saying. Whether it was the full story or not didn't even matter. The end result was that Hawkeye was here, in their home, declaring his love, and that was all B.J. needed to know.

"You're the only person for me, too, Hawk," he said, pulling him into a hug. They held one another for a few minutes, neither one saying anything, just leaning against each other and breathing in unison. When B.J. stepped back, he asked, "How long before the soup's ready?"

"Just a couple minutes." Hawkeye turned back to the stove and started stirring again.

"OK, be right with you," B.J. said, heading out of the kitchen and to the bathroom, where he washed his hands and took a long look in the mirror above the sink. As he watched, his reflection gave him a contented smile.

From the bathroom he made a detour into the bedroom. He took the gold wedding band off the nightstand and stared at it, turning it in his fingers, thinking about commitment and love, devotion and forever.

"Beej?" Hawkeye called from the other room. "Soup's on!"

He slipped the band onto the ring finger of his left hand, then he went to join Hawkeye in the kitchen for supper.


End file.
